I like intersections—finding things from one field that can bring value to another. Recently I revisited some material from couples’ therapy that resonates with me and has implications for resilience by helping us understand how we can use challenges as catalysts for growth.
A crucible is a pot in which metals and other substances are heated to very high temperatures for the purpose of melting and/or refining them1. This term has become a metaphor for any situation that presents a significant challenge or test, particularly one in which strong forces interact to cause or influence change and development.2 The U.S. Marines have given this name to the final challenge of recruit training—a 54-hour exercise that tests strength, skills, and character.3
The late David Schnarch, a therapist and author of Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love & Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, uses the metaphor of the crucible to describe the process by which couples can use relationship challenges as a catalyst for growth. His insights—and the process he describes—are relevant to many other situations, and that’s why I’m writing this article.
Rather than viewing relationship difficulties as indications of incompatibility, Schnarch views them as necessary stepping stones to deep love, intimacy, and passion in marriage. Likewise, personal crucibles are powerful vehicles for our own growth—both as individuals and in relationship to others. They can show up in a wide range of situations. Here’s an HBR article on leadership crucibles that describes examples from organizational settings.
Here’s how this relates to resilience: The challenges we face are often starting points for significant personal growth. Understanding how the “crucible” works can help us understand how to engage in this growth process most effectively.
Important Concept #1: Differentiation
Differentiation, also called individuation, is the process of actively defining who we are—and becoming more fully ourselves—while also building deeper connections with those around us and inviting them to be more fully themselves.45 This is important because it is a foundation for being close to others without losing our sense of self or feeling pressured to conform, and for maintaining our own goals and values (even when they are different from those of others) without becoming anxious or isolated.
“One of the most important things in life is becoming a solid individual. And another important thing is to have meaningful relationships. Two of the most powerful human drives are our urge to control our own lives (autonomy), and our urge for relationship with others (attachment). One of the biggest tasks of adulthood is being able to balance these two urges, and one of the most common problems is having too much of one, and not enough of the other…The ability to balance our needs for autonomy and attachment is called differentiation. Differentiation is a scientific process that occurs in all species. For humans, it is about becoming more of a unique individual and a solid person through relationships with others.”6
When people have not yet moved to higher levels of differentiation, they are more likely to:7
See the other person in a conflict as the problem.
Let feelings build up until they explode.
Say what they think others want to hear, instead of what they really feel.
Lose themself in relationships.
Concern themselves with others’ needs while disregarding their own.
Need a lot of compliments and praise.
Can you think of people who demonstrate high levels of differentiation—having a strong sense of self while also being deeply connected to the people around them? How might this contribute to healthy workplaces, families, friendships, and communities? Can you see some of the problems that arise when someone has difficulty balancing autonomy and attachment?
Here’s how this relates to resilience: Differentiation is one of the cornerstones of being able to work through significant challenges. As you grow, you prepare yourself for intentionally stepping into even larger challenges, which helps you bring more of yourself in the world and thrive in turbulence.
Important Concept #2: Anxiety and Growth
The process of adult growth requires getting out of our comfort zone, confronting anxiety, and working through difficult emotions. Situations that call for us to either face a difficult situation or stay stuck in it are the starting point. In these situations we have the option of choosing between two forms of anxiety—doing something scary or facing problems from not doing it. The diagram below8 describes how this works.
The center circle indicates the zone of comfort and safety, which is good for rebuilding strength, healing, and lowering levels of anxiety and stress. In this zone we are able to step back from issues, but this also means that we can let potential conflicts slide and may experience a sense of detachment from the world and those around us. Staying here too long when there are difficulties to be resolved is equivalent to choosing to stay stuck.
The outer circle is the zone of growth. It requires moving out of comfort, taking risk, and experiencing anxiety as we confront issues—which often require confronting ourselves. It calls on us to maintain our equilibrium while in conflict to enable us to move toward deeper levels of commitment and trust. Stepping out into this circle is a choice to face the situation.
We can move back and forth between these circles by choosing to take risk or to step back from issues to decrease anxiety.
Think of times when you have chosen to move out of comfort and safety and take a risk that felt scary but could allow you to grow. What did it feel like? What impact did it have on you and on important relationships in our life?
Here’s how this relates to resilience: Resilience is about maintaining high levels of effectiveness and well-being in situations filled with turbulence and complexity. To do this, we need to move back and forth between times of challenge and times of replenishment. The more intentionally we can do this, the better able we are to both respond to and prepare ourself for challenge.
Important Concept #3: Tools for the Crucible
This section summarizes various pieces of wisdom about entering and navigating crucibles, drawn from Passionate Marriage and other sources.
Deciding to Risk
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”—Anaïs Nin
Some of the things that can motivate us to push yourself to grow include a sense of meaninglessness, a recognition that you are not operating with integrity, or an unresolved issue that you can no longer live with. You come to see that the price of staying where you are is higher than the potential cost of taking a step. For example:
You realize that your job is no longer allowing you to do the things that are most important to you.
Another person speaks or acts toward you in a way that is intolerable.
Your adult child is relying on your resources rather than developing their independence.
You have failed to tell someone that you love them, and are now at risk of losing them.
You have come to understand something about your own identity, preferences, dreams, or goals that may not be easy for others to hear, and decide to disclose this to one or more other people.
You are the only one who can decide when it’s time to move. It can feel terrifying at first, but as you gain experience with moving through these cycles, start to see the results of your risks, and begin to grow into higher levels of differentiation, it becomes a more familiar process. Some people describe the discomfort of risk in the service of growth as clean pain, rather than the dirty pain that comes with emotions such as shame, guilt, avoidance, and denial.
Holding onto Yourself
As you move into the growth zone, the idea of “holding onto yourself” becomes important. This is about self-mastery, self-control, and creating a solid but permeable self, and is another way of describing the process of differentiation. Here are some of the key elements:
Maintaining a clear sense of who you are—knowing what you value and believe, and not defending a false or inaccurate self-picture.
Maintaining a sense of perspective about your anxieties, limitations, and shortcomings so they neither drive nor immobilize you.
Engaging in self-confrontation necessary for your growth. This includes standing up to your fears and facing your own contributions to difficult situations.
Admitting when you are wrong, whether or not others do likewise.
Tolerating the pain of growing—moving toward growth, soothing yourself when necessary, not berating yourself.
Self-Soothing
Self-soothing is about being able to maintain your equilibrium in the face of stress. It involves both “self-centering” (holding onto yourself) and not getting lost in pressures and demands from the outside world. This is different from not caring what others think or feel—in fact, the more we take care of ourselves, the more we are able to value and listen to others’ opinions and feelings without losing our own position. Here are some ideas that might be helpful:
Focus on your breathing and posture—notice a tight jaw, elevated shoulders, or clenched teeth and see if you can release them
Think of past challenges that you have faced successfully, and consider ways that facing the current situation will help you reduce or deal more effectively with future challenges
Let go of taking things personally; keep a sense of perspective, and step back from words or actions that might escalate tension
Notice any inner voices that are “awfulizing” things and see if you can quiet them down
If needed, step away from interactions to take some time out—be clear that you are not withdrawing or walking away but need to gather yourself
Use time out to replenish yourself—physically, mentally, emotionally, and/or spiritually
Be honest with yourself about whether some part of your discomfort is coming from an uncomfortable truth you are dodging or ignoring
By applying these self-soothing practices, you can build your ability stay in the growth cycle for longer and more challenging periods of time. This allows you to increase the quality of commitment and trust in relationships, achieve higher levels of personal development, and bring more of yourself to the world and the people you love.
How have you used these tools—deciding to risk, holding on to yourself, and self-soothing—to take on and move through growth-oriented challenges in your life? How have they helped make you ready for larger challenges? What additional tools would you like to learn and practice?
Here’s how this relates to resilience: The tools that help you enter personal crucibles and work through the challenges they bring include the full set of Prosilience building blocks—calming, choosing strategies, “resilience muscles” and managing your energy. If you’re familiar with this framework, take some time and think about the linkages.
If you enjoyed this article, you might like last week’s Organizational Change Intersections article on Learning from Healthy Marriages, which draws on the field of couples therapy for insights about change-ready organizations.
Photo by Chris Rhoads on Unsplash
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/crucible
https://www.mcrdpi.marines.mil/Recruit-Training/Crucible/
https://counselling-marriage.com/differentiation/
https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self
https://crucible4points.com/crucible-four-points-balance/
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/differentiation-of-self/
Figure 3 from Schnarch, Passionate Marriage.