Prosilience #21: Getting Uncomfortable
Using the Experimenting muscle to take risks and get curious
The Prosilience framework includes a set of seven muscles we use to “resilience” our way through a wide range of challenges. This post focuses on the Experimenting muscle, which is the seventh one on the list1. This is a particularly important one for a couple of reasons:
It is a “booster” for the other six muscles. We use it whenever we try something new, so every time we seek to exercise one of the other muscles in a different way, we activate this one as well. For example, if I am working on building the Priorities muscle, and I want to set a new boundary to protect my time, I may need to say “no” to a request I’ve always said “yes” to before. This is an experiment! I’m not sure what will happen, and it might feel a little uncomfortable.
It leads us to unfamiliar situations, which create new opportunities for us to practice our resilience. For example, I’ve observed that people who have a strong Experimenting muscle often like to travel to new places, change jobs every few years, and push themselves to engage in a range of activities. Each of these things increases the likelihood of encountering challenges that call on the elements of resilience.
Strengthening the Experimenting Muscle
We often find ourselves in a “groove,” or comfortable mode of operating, that is relatively safe and familiar. It can feel uncomfortable to shift out of this mode.
To experience this in a small way, try writing something with your non-dominant hand.
When unexpected events arise, we are likely to be pushed out of the “familiarity zone.” If we’ve prepared for this by building our ability to tolerate discomfort, it’s easier to navigate our way through these challenges than if we have avoided anything that feels difficult or uncomfortable.
How do we build our ability to get uncomfortable? Here are some elements of this process:
Notice tugs of curiosity. Start paying attention to the things you wonder about. What’s around that corner? What would that taste like? Why is the sky blue? What would X do in this situation? These are invitations to move into some new space.
Explore feelings of discomfort. If you find yourself stepping back from something that feels uncomfortable, see if you can identify the source of your reluctance. That feels physically difficult. I might make a fool of myself. They might not like me any more. I tried that once and it didn’t work. People like me don’t do that.2 The potential discomfort is usually linked to an expenditure of energy—physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual. It’s important not to judge yourself, but instead to just pay attention to these feelings and see what you can learn about where they are coming from.
Calibrate effort and risk. Some new/unfamiliar activities take a lot of energy, while others take a little. Sometimes there are very real risks and threats, while in other situations a realistic look at the “worst-case scenario” will reveal that there is little to fear. You may also find things you can do to reduce risk, such as wearing appropriate protective equipment for a physical activity, or finding a public place to have a conversation that may become heated.
Practice self-regulation. The first Prosilience building block is the skill of “calming”—regulating ourselves using breathing and other tools to reduce stress and autonomic nervous system activation. One of the most powerful ways of doing this is through co-regulation—being around another person with whom you feel safe and relaxed. As you build your self-calming capability, you will find it easier to notice and deal with the disruption that comes with unfamiliarity and ambiguity.
Take small steps. Use your curiosity to lead you to a small thing you might try that moves you out of your comfort zone. Allow yourself to get excited about the things you might learn or experience if you do this thing. Be realistic about the fact that it is likely to feel uncomfortable, and prepare yourself for that. Think through the effort and risk level and make sure it’s somewhere outside your comfort zone but inside your “window of tolerance.”3 Find a friend or companion to join you if that feels like a good idea. Then get out there and do it! Don’t forget to breathe.
Celebrate and escalate. Take a moment to appreciate the step you took. Breathe deeply, and allow yourself to feel the excitement of the adrenalin in your body. Look back and see how accurate you were about the effort and risks, and reflect on how it felt during the activity. Did you feel scared? Excited? Uncomfortable? Elated? Did you laugh? Cry? Curl up in a ball? What did you learn? Use this information to help you plan your next exploration. Each time you stretch into new space, the Experimenting muscle gets stronger. Use this increased strength to stretch a little farther the next time. Over time, you may find that you develop an appetite for adventure that calls you to grow in unexpected and delightful ways.
Things to Try
Physical
Your physical comfort zone is one of the easiest things to explore. What happens when you move your body in a new way? Take a walk at a slightly faster pace? Get up a little earlier than usual? If those feel easy, you can raise the bar a bit—run a 5K, take a hot yoga class, or stand on your head. You can try things that include a greater element of physical risk, such as whitewater rafting, skydiving, or backpacking—these also bring in an element of emotional risk as well. (I was also interested to find this article on how exposure to cold can make you more resilient!)
As you increase your levels of physical experimenting, it is often helpful to work with others—exercise buddies as well as trainers, coaches, and others who are skilled at recognizing the appropriate level of challenge and motivating you to go outside your comfort zone without significant physical endangerment. Boot camp, anyone?
Mental
You push the boundaries of your mental comfort zone when you begin to encounter ideas you’re not familiar with, questions you don’t know the answers to, and problems you aren’t sure how to solve. You can stretch in small ways by trying a new word game or number puzzle, or reading a book or watching a show about a topic you’re unfamiliar with. Larger stretches might include taking a course in a new area, beginning a meditation practice that calls on you to quiet your mind’s usual activity, or initiating a conversation with someone who thinks very differently from you with the goal of understanding their view of the world. I’ve also often found that it’s a challenging mental exercise to take on a role as an instructor, teacher, or mentor.
As you increase your levels of mental experimenting, you may find yourself learning a new language, exploring other cultures, writing a book, or pursuing a graduate degree. There’s no limit to the places your mind can take you.
Emotional
You stretch your emotional comfort zone when you engage in actions or conversations that are likely to raise difficult feelings such as fear, sadness, and anger, or have the potential to create emotional tension between you and others. For some people, experiencing joy, elation, and ecstasy are also uncomfortable, making these emotions part of the “experimenting zone” as well.
Small steps to move toward emotional discomfort might include beginning a journal, sharing the story of a difficult experience with a friend, or watching a movie that has a sad ending. Writing songs or poems that express complex feelings in words or initiating an uncomfortable discussion with a family member or friend are other possible steps along this path.
You can go deeper into the emotional Experimenting zone by working with a coach, counselor, guide, or therapist to understand and work through emotions and experiences that have troubled you. As your emotional awareness and vocabulary expand, you may find that you become familiar enough with difficult feelings to help others who are seeking to stretch themselves in new emotional directions.
Spiritual
You expand your spiritual comfort zone when you consider questions of meaning, purpose, values, and connection to things that are larger than yourself. Small Experimenting steps might include reading an article on a current social or ethical issue, reflecting on the values that are most important to you, or volunteering for a local nonprofit organization. Larger steps might include attending a religious service4, participating in a group organized around a shared interest or value, or establishing a regular practice of contemplation or reflection.
As you dig more deeply into this area, you may find yourself pursuing larger experiments—exploring a different profession that better aligns with your sense of purpose, establishing or breaking off relationships based on their alignment with your values, speaking out publicly on issues of importance to you.
One More Reason
The most obvious benefit of having a strong Experimenting muscle is its role in your personal resilience. When you encounter new challenges, you can use it to help you move into action, try possible approaches, and learn from your experiences, instead of stepping back, avoiding risk, and missing important opportunities for growth. It doesn’t matter whether you get uncomfortable in physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual ways…simply having the experience of being out of your comfort zone builds your challenge-readiness.
At the beginning of this article I mentioned a couple of additional benefits—Experimenting is synergistic with other resilience muscles, and it increases the range of challenges you encounter and can use to practice your resilience. It turns out that there’s another important benefit of stretching and strengthening this muscle. Resilience is fueled by a strong supply of energy. Each of the areas I mentioned above—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual—is a resource we can draw on to move through challenges. If you look back over the exercises I suggested, you’ll find that in addition to strengthening the Experimenting muscle, they are also are enlarging your “battery”—creating a deeper well of energy to draw from. In this way, you are building a spiral of strength and growth that prepares you to take on larger challenges and bring more of your best self to the world.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this Prosilience article! See you in a couple of weeks for the next installment.
I’ll get to the others in future posts, but this one was on top of my mind today.
Sometimes people have ideas about what men, or women, or older people, or people from certain backgrounds (or anything else you can think of) are supposed to do, and it feels uncomfortable to cross those boundaries.
I think of this as the amount of potential risk or discomfort we can tolerate without getting into a downward stress spiral.
Religious organizations are by no means the only way to engage with ideas and questions related to meaning, purpose, and community, but they are one of the ways that many people make this connection.